don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
