I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My penis needs a shock collar
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
