I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
