I'm so fucking centered right now
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
