i just wanna soil my oats bro
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She told me I should be a condom model.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
