Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
