i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
