i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
