new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My breasts were aching with rage.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
