My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
