you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
