My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
