I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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