My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
