Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
