I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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