Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
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Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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