OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
