I think I am morally bankrupt
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
