you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
