the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
