I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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