Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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