dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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