you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
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