You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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