his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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