peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
