OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
