I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize