he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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