i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
