I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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