On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
