I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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