I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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