Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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