Everything about him screamed your future.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Less talking, more tequila
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We had sex on a dog bed..
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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