Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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