There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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