Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
