just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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