listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
