this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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