I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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