smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
