just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
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His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
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I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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