I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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