Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
