I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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