Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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