At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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