P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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