He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
