drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
