it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
