I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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