my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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