Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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