pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
